After maturing and growing up, in my humble opinion, a bit too quickly and harshly, I have learned some vital lessons necessary to living a content and peaceful life. I may have already shared a few in previous posts, and I always find the need to reiterate and repeat myself, repetition is key to acquiring any skill or attribute. Ask a pianist.
I can't say it was the most enjoyable process, growing up via rude-awakening. Yet epiphanies have their place and if you delay in reaching those new heights, you will be smacked and it will hurt. Learning the easy way is easier said than done. Fortunately, my "epiphany" as it were, has enabled me to begin learning the easy way. The only missing ingredient that was required for this to happen was, indifference.
You see, I care too much. When you care, you become invested, whether it be in a person, a situation or conflict, or even a good book. Continually learning the hard way for me was determined by the fact that I cared more than I had ought to. I can't really bring myself to trust anyone. People are selfish, cruel, and cold.
Perhaps this is really a curse, yet, I find myself under constant female attention. Not by any particular female necessarily, but by many. I don't mean two or three. This is really stressful. I don't care for this attention. I know most guys would love it, most guys would hate me for having it, I can't imagine what they would do if they knew I hated it. Do people still get lynched these days?
Don't get me wrong, I love women, I think they are the most beautiful of creation, in every way. Yet, today's women have proven to be very cunning, selfish, and at times, evil. That's been my unfortunate experience. Perhaps it's more fortunate that not, considering that now I practice a great deal of caution.
I guess I am still healing from my past relationship, she was my everything and she showed me how little I meant to her. In the end, it wasn't my love she wanted, it was my time and attention, even when it was given on a regular basis she was ungrateful. Do you have any idea what kind of dedication it takes to write two letters, one by pen and the other by computer, everyday for almost 2 years? I think that kind of dedication should come under psychoanalytical scrutiny. I can't believe I did that for her. It all turned out to be wasted. My sister tells me I didn't waste it since it was a positive way for me to express my missingness of her (I think we established that "missingness" was now a word, coined by yours truly, as was the word "sharmie"). Perhaps it wasn't wasted, perhaps this girl that I adore actually did appreciate it, even though she never ever showed it.
I can say that she never ever showed it because when you compare how much I showed her appreciation to how much she showed me, you might as well give her a 0 and me a 100. This is statistics, I think like a scientist, I now only have time for the rational, these matters of the heart are not rational. They never are.
One can even posit the claim that loving God is irrational, that would probably be a scientist, yet even others feel they have a right to say that God doesn't exist. I think atheists are the the dumbest people on earth. I don't care if they have a degree in the most advanced field *cough* Aerospace Engineering *cough*. To not believe in God is to be blind. Quite simply. To see the proof of God's existence, all one needs to do is stand up nice and straight, spin in place 360 degrees, slow enough to see everything as you spin, and then you realize, this is NOT coincidence. Damn right it's not coincidence!
Anyway, before I go off on what seems like a pretty formidable tangent, allow me to continue my spiel on the lessons I have learned. Spiel by the way is German for "play", in case you didn't know that. I just want to make clear that when you hear someone, probably a white person, say "Allow me to continue my spiel" they aren't saying "schpeel" but they are probably spelling it that way, because they are ignorant. Don't believe me? Look up a dictionary, Merriam-Webster is good, and no, Urban Dictionary does not count, nice try.
I feel, that it is necessary to express oneself in a positive manner, art, literature, music, these tends to be my muses. Anyone who says that's gay is retarded. Their brains sucked dry by the media, believing good to be bad and bad to be good. Anyway, this is my reason for writing. I didn't think I would actually have people reading this, I truly meant this for myself, now I feel an obligation to entertain, so to speak. Is that so?
Regardless, I will continue writing my thoughts, they probably won't get very personal anymore since I am not comfortable sharing deep thoughts or concerns so openly. I really don't trust people anymore. I see no reason to trust people. Everyone I know has let me down at one point or another and I know they will do it again. It's okay, I am quick to forgive, but I won't be putting my head under the guillotine each time if they prove themselves incapable of stopping the blade.
Ciao!